Why was (am) I fat?

October 29, 2012  |  Getting Fit, Life

Just a little bit of background, I have spent 20 odd years in my life trying to lose weight. I grew up as a fat kid and good lord, growing up as a fat kid in Asia in the 80s/90s can be one of the most traumatizing experiences in one’s lifetime. I’ll definitely talk about these experiences some day. But not in today’s entry. Today, I want to share with you what made me fat.

While doing my workouts and preparing my healthy meals, I started to do some reflection on why I’ve put on so much weight in the past and was unable to lose any until in recent years. It is a complex combination of seeking solace from food, having a huge disbelief that I can ever lose weight and worst of it all, feeling that I deserved to be fat.

Food makes me happy, it doesn’t judge, and I often pride myself for finishing my servings and my family’s. My cousins remember me as the one who always finishes up all the left over food in the kitchen. Awesome personal branding eh? ;) And I seem to conveniently forget how lousy I feel when I binge.

I also had this weird disempowering belief that I was different from others and that normal diets and workouts will never work on me. I would often try something for 2 weeks and then give up because I didn’t have results like the rest. But the problem is, the rest worked on their diets/workouts for months before they got ANY results. Of course I didn’t know and I liked to think I was special.

Deserving to be fat was possibly the major culprit of it all. At the base of this, it reflects a lack of self-love on my part. It is like thinking I deserved to be fat because I deserved to be lousy or I don’t think I can get a better lot in life. It subconsciously makes me hang on very tightly to my weight. It is largely psychological and I suspect that many overweight people have similar thoughts as I did.

All these worked together and affected the way I looked at my weight. I was so attached to the weight that I subconsciously self sabotaged – like eating more, not persisting in my diets/workouts, losing weight and eating back to the same weight. The yo-yo reality further fed into the cycle and my weight just kept creeping up.

I was fortunate that at the age of 24 (never too late!) that I met a couple of good people in my life who helped me realize the lack of self-love I had. I then woke up and decided to treat my body right. I felt that I deserved better and wanted to do something for myself. That was when the weight really started coming down. I engaged a dietician, tried a couple of supplements, detox programs, counted my calories. Bit by bit, it dropped. With every drop, I realized that my assumptions were all unfounded. Science prevails:

When output is more than input, your weight drops!

I am finally at the stage where I am at my dream weight of 52kgs but I want to push it a little further. Which is to get the cut of my body right. I am lighter than ever but they are mostly made up of fats. I want to replace quite some of these fats with muscles before I hit the big 30.

If you’re wondering why you can’t seem to find the motivation to lose weight, or that you never have progress, perhaps you can take a step back and start looking inwards and examining if there are any disempowering thoughts that are affecting your progress. You never know, you might discover some realizations that takes you a long way ;)

Till the next entry,

About the author

Dionis is a computer engineer by training, business development manager by day and actress by dreams. She loves to chill out with a good book and a mojito. website: dionischiua.com

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